Guinevere's Voice
by sneetchstar
Summary: Arthur POV as he lies in bed early one morning.  Set between 4x08 and 4x09, one chapter only.


**Because I have faith in you.**

Guinevere's voice drifts into my consciousness, a memory from years past. I open my eyes. It's dark. The castle is still. It must be very early yet. I roll onto my back.

_How much time did I_ waste _thinking of her as just Morgana's maid?_

_ It took being removed from Camelot, away from all that was familiar to me to see it. To see_ her.

**Because I have faith in you.**

Her voice comes back again, but no, that wasn't it.

**Food is scarce for these people, you shouldn't turn your nose up.**

_That was it. Her gentle scold followed by her mortification at the words that she couldn't stop. That's what caught my attention. It's funny now._

_ She looked so cute in her tunic and trousers._

_ She wasn't frightened. She had insisted that the women fight as well._

_ She could have been killed that day._

I roll to my side, and squeeze my eyes shut. _Fascinating. More noble than many of the noble class._

**You are going to live to be the man I've seen inside you, Arthur.**

A faint memory, clouded by fever. _Think, man. Try and remember. Her delicate touch, dabbing my brow._

_ Her slight weight on the mattress next to me._

_ Oh, to feel that again. And this time conscious so I can enjoy having her there._

**…keeps me going… …proud to call their sovereign…**

Bits and pieces of her voice, drifting through the fog of illness.

**You're not going to die, Arthur.**

_She willed me to live. I know it. More, there's more. There has to be._

_ My hand. She held my hand. Surely she did. I remember my hand between both of hers, warm and small and softer than I would have expected._

_ Something else. She brought my hand to her lips._

I look down and find my thumb is absently stroking the side of my index finger on the spot where her lips touched that night.

_So faithful, so humble. She wouldn't be goaded when I regained consciousness._

_ But that wasn't truly it, either. Wasn't truly what drew me to her._

I roll to my left side, and her voice comes to me again, soft and rough at once, like crushed velvet.

**Would it kill you to say please and thank you once in a while?**

_There it is._

_ She yelled at me. Truly yelled at me. I was struggling with my identity, my worth as a person rather than just a prince, and she hollered at me like I was a spoiled child._

_ I was._

_ It was the best thing she could have done for me._

I close my eyes again, picturing her that day, burned into my memory. Her brown eyes flaming, her nostrils flared, the words that stabbed me coming from those… _lips_ of hers.

_I was looking for worth as a person, and she gave it to me by knocking me down. And she was exactly right to do so._

_ I_ don't _snore._

_ Do I?_

**A good king should respect his people, no matter who they are!**

_She had drawn her bow with that remark, and the look she gave me after I admitted I cared for her shot the arrow right into my heart._

_ Why didn't I kiss her then?_

_ Merlin. Right._

_ What I wouldn't give for another opportunity to stay at her house. This time it would be different. We could be a man and a woman, not a prince and a servant._

I close my eyes and can see us in her little house, cozy, enjoying a meal, sharing intimate conversation. Then I would wrap her in my arms and hold her to me, drop a kiss on her lips, then perhaps…

_No._ No. _Don't even think about that or you'll end up in a world of frustration, man._

I reach under my pillow and withdraw her handkerchief, the one she gave me the last day of the tournament. It still carries some of her scent. Perhaps. I can no longer tell if it is truly there or if I just know it so well that my brain just puts it there when I hold it to my face.

_It had been an impulse, kissing her. Yet after I'd done it, I knew I was lost. It was like waking from a long sleep. Or the first sunny morning after a week of rain. The world looked different, brighter,_ better. _Better because she was in it and I had finally learned to notice._

_ I had immediately wanted to kiss her again._

**Perhaps, when you are king, things will be different.**

_Darn right they will._

I roll onto my back again, staring at the ceiling above.

**You have a kind heart, Arthur. Don't ever change. Not for anyone.**

_I had always thought that my father had been preparing me to be king. Ha. Father could have taken lessons from Guinevere._

**Live for me, Arthur. That's all I ask right now.**

_It was like a fog was lifted from my eyes, suddenly realizing she was kissing me. Guinevere. My Guinevere. I was myself again, with my love in my arms._

_ She saved my life that day, in more ways than one. Even if I had managed to defeat Olaf, I would have gotten_ Vivian _as my prize. I would hardly call that a victory._

_ And I got to kiss her again. And hold her in my arms this time._ I sigh, letting the memory float across my vision.

**I trust you, Arthur. More than Uther, more than any man. Worry is not a wise counsel.**

_Her hand on my arm. Steadfast, wise, Guinevere. Withdrew before I could kiss her that night. Proper, obedient Guinevere. Then she called me "Sire" and it felt like a dagger in my heart._

I squeeze my eyes closed again and think of her soft brown eyes meeting mine across the room, sometimes furtively, sometimes directly, always making my heart beat faster.

_It did feel very good when she scratched me behind the ear. Even though it was a donkey ear._

**I will watch you grow into the king Camelot deserves.**

_What was I expecting her to say? That she would cause a big scene and ruin the wedding? She would never do that. That she would leave Camelot? She may as well cut my heart out. That she would stay and be my mistress?_

_ Well…_

_ …_

_ No. I couldn't have had that. I would have ended up hating myself. She is worth far more to me than that._

I roll to my right side again, curling into a ball, squeezing my knees to my chest.

**It's what you do when you love someone.**

_Sure, the_ words _were talking about her brother, but her eyes… her_ eyes _were talking directly to me._

_ She was worried and upset. I should have gathered her to me, taken her in my arms and comforted her. But then Merlin and Morgana really would have interrupted something…_

**You might be a prince, but I don't always have to do what you tell me to.**

_Indeed, my lady. You've been ruling me for years, in fact._

**I like that, you being yourself.**

_I love that I_ can _be with myself with her. She's the only one I can do that with._

_ I need to take her on another picnic. One where we won't be disturbed. By anyone. She was so beautiful that day. She is always beautiful._

_ I cannot believe I didn't see it sooner._

_ I cannot believe that she almost died because of me. Again._

_ If I ever see that old sorcerer again, I will have to ask him why. Why… why everything._

**I will count the days until then.**

_You can stop counting soon, my love. I promised you. So steadfast._

**I saw the king you'll become.**

My eyes open again as I remember her during that time. They way she appeared unexpectedly with Leon. The way she allowed me to seat her at my side at the round table. The way she stood by me.

**You know the answer.**

_She would have joined in the fight had I let her. Can't fight worth a damn, but she is a determined little thing._

I smile, thinking of that kiss. _That_ kiss. That _kiss._

_ I truly didn't care if the men saw. If I'm being honest, I hope that Lancelot_ did _see. And she knew. She knew what I wanted to do when all I did was say her name._

_ She can see right into my mind._

**You are precious, not just the kingdom.**

_She_ can _see right into my mind. I needed her smile that day. I was marching to my death, and all I wanted was her smile._

**Don't let anyone tell you what to do. You said you were your own man. You have a good heart. Be true to it. Only then will you be the king you want to be.**

I squeeze myself into a tighter ball, regret washing over me.

_I had promised her, and I broke that promise, along with her heart. Yes, briefly. But I still did it. I will carry that regret, that guilt, that_ shame _with me always. I am thankful every day that she forgave me so easily. I didn't deserve her mercy._

_ But she_ knew. _She knew I wasn't myself; that those weren't my words._

_ Perhaps my uncle's advice should not always be followed so unquestioningly._

_ Whatever façade I put forth, she sees right through it. Whatever walls I build, she knocks down._

_ God, I love her._

**Arthur!**

My eyes fly open at the memory of her unexpected appearance that day at my bath.

_She and Gaius, standing there, Merlin nowhere to be found, telling me not to step in the tub. She is a puzzle sometimes._

_ How much did she see?_

_ Did she like what she saw?_

_ I wonder… if Gaius hadn't been there…_

_ Stop it._

I uncurl and roll onto my back with a sigh. _Maybe after we are married…_

_ Married. Is now the time to ask?_

**Well, maybe you just didn't notice before.**

Another sigh escapes my lips as I stare at the ceiling. I close my eyes and can picture her face perfectly. Every detail is etched into my memory, down to the last curl and freckle.

_You are a fearless hero, Guinevere. Far stronger, far braver than I, since you have had many more obstacles in your life._

_ I don't deserve her. She is too good for me._

_ Yet I must have her. I need her. I cannot be king without her. I know this as well as I know my own name. Without her I am an empty shell._

I grab a pillow and place it over my face. _Yes. I must ask for her hand. I need her to be my wife._

I hear the door open, followed by Merlin's soft footfall. _He thinks I am asleep._

I watch as he opens the curtains, and before he can burst forth with his familiar, "Rise and shine," I speak.

"Merlin. I need your help with something."


End file.
